I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
