My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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