My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
