and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
