i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You can't motorboat a personality
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
