When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
