Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
