my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
