You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
