i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
