So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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