Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
