If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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