Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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