All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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