Someone shit on the floor
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
