the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
