I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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