Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so let's talk penis.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
