My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
