I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
