Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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