So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
