Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
