I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
