Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
