woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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