$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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