What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
