weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
