if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
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