my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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