I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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