i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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