OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
