and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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