hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
two words: eviction party
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
