I just pynch a tree in the face
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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