Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
