Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
