I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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