if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
