The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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