Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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