so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
