Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
