I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
