TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
