I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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