I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
